Exhausted

Well, it is finally Friday, and I am exhausted! It was a long week to begin with, as I had to work 8 days straight before I got one day off, then back to work for another 3. Whew! On top of that, it has been a very emotionally challenging week. We lost 3 patients this week, all of whom were with us for two years or more. That brings us to a total of 7 in the past 6 weeks. Prior to that, we were stable for months and months. And I also lost my cat, of 14 years.

For those of you that know me well, you know that I don't deal all that well with death and dying. So, that makes me rethink my career choice every time I lose one of these dear souls. Why would I ever choose to work in a profession where I have to get close to people and then say good-bye to them? Why do I choose a job, where all too often one of my job duties is to place a call, "I am sorry to tell you that your (mother/father) is passing/has just passed away..." I really hate those calls.

They used to tell nurses, "Don't get too attached to your patients." But how do you "care" for your patients, if you don't "care" for them? Caring is what we do, and we can't help but become attached to someone we care about.

I guess it all comes back to taking the good with the bad. I no longer have a mother or any grandparents, so I love having all of these older folks to share with. They amass such wisdom, and it is great to be a part of their lives. The stories that the "greatest generation" have to tell just amazes me. I love being a part of their lives. They are such a blessing to me. I am a caregiver, but I must tell you, the care goes both ways!

So, when I lose one of my extended "family" members, it leaves an empty space in my heart, just as if I had lost someone in my genetic family. And it is very painful. I do rely on my faith to give me strength in these times, but the pain is still there.

And, just today, I was thinking: I wish the grim reaper were real. Then, I would be able to really tell him off for taking so many of my loved ones away in such a short period of time, and I would find a way to make him go away. But he is not real. And I can't very well tell God to go away! I know that this is all part of His plan and His timing to take them when He does. And, as I wrote in my book, death was not part of God's original plan. He designed us for eternity. And when we messed His plans all up and brought sin and death into the picture, He reformulated the plan, to assure that eternity is still an option for us. And death hurts God just like it hurts us. He hates it, too.

So, I guess I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and just commit to remembering the good times I have had with each of my patients until we meet again, and do all that I can for those that are still with us, to assure that they will make that appointment as well.