Well, I really blew it! You know how when you ask God to help you with something, He always comes through, in one way or another? Well, I always forget that when you ask God to teach you something, that it involves PAIN! You have to go through tough situations to grow. Well, this one, for most people, wouldn't be such a painful thing, but for me....
I have already mentioned some of my struggles with prayer. I do pray. All the time. But I have had a lot of questions lately. And I have never been able to pray out loud, except with the kids in my church, who are just as nervous about it as I am. But, I have asked God to help me to grow in the area of prayer. I meant to ask for his help understanding prayer, not actually doing it. But this week, I was asked to lead out in prayer, in front of my church! Yikes! I can't back out, because I know that God will just make me do it anyway, maybe not this week, but sometime, and maybe under less favorable conditions.
To top it off, I think He has even bigger plans for me, because I have also been invited to speak in front of another church. Not the sermon, mind you, but as a featured guest, to discuss my life, and my book (and the one I am about to publish in a month or two). It is a great opportunity, but I am really not ready. OR at least I don't feel ready. But then, when would I ever be ready, if I never got started? So, here I go...jumping in with both feet! Good thing God knows what he's doing, since I don't! :)
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Prayer
I am still reading the book, "Prayer, Does it Make any Difference" by Phillip Yancey. It is really opening my eyes to a lot of ideas. So many of my questions, he answers directly, as he, apparently, has stumbled over the same things that are hindering me in my prayer life. In yesterday's section on unworthiness, I came across this passage:
"As if in direct rebuttal, the Bible gives a detailed record of God listening to prayers from decidedly unworthy people: from short-fused Moses to puerile Samson to the rough sailors who threw Jonah overboard, let alone the sulky prophet himself. God responded to King David's prayers of repentance after the sins of murder and adultery, as well as the desperation prayer of wicked King Manasseh. Jesus commended the prayer of an unworthy tax collector above that of an upright Pharisee.
"A sense of unworthiness hardly disqualifies me from prayer; rather, it serves as a necessary starting point. Apart from feeling unworthy, why call on God in the first place? Unworthiness establishes the ground rules, setting the proper alignment between broken human beings and a perfect God. I now consider it a motivation for prayer, not a hindrance." page 185.
Wow! I never thought of it that way. It is exactly because I am unworthy to ask anything of God that he wants to listen to me and lend me a hand. It goes back to that whole trust thing that I struggle with so much. But I am learning. Slowly but surely.
And I am sharing this with my daughter, too. We have been working on prayer together in the mornings, as I take her to school. We take turns praying for each other and for whatever else is on our minds. This week, she had a presentation to make in one of her classes, and she was very nervous. She has panic attacks, and she was afraid that she would get one during her presentation. She has a new teacher and doesn't know most of the other students yet, so we prayed that God would help her through it. She said, "I wish I could use an overhead, like we did last year. It is easier to do in the dark."
After school, I asked her how it went. "It was amazing! The power went out in our classroom right before my presentation, so I actually did do it in the dark!" The outage was random and affected various areas around the school, but there was no reason for what happened. How is that for an answered prayer!
"As if in direct rebuttal, the Bible gives a detailed record of God listening to prayers from decidedly unworthy people: from short-fused Moses to puerile Samson to the rough sailors who threw Jonah overboard, let alone the sulky prophet himself. God responded to King David's prayers of repentance after the sins of murder and adultery, as well as the desperation prayer of wicked King Manasseh. Jesus commended the prayer of an unworthy tax collector above that of an upright Pharisee.
"A sense of unworthiness hardly disqualifies me from prayer; rather, it serves as a necessary starting point. Apart from feeling unworthy, why call on God in the first place? Unworthiness establishes the ground rules, setting the proper alignment between broken human beings and a perfect God. I now consider it a motivation for prayer, not a hindrance." page 185.
Wow! I never thought of it that way. It is exactly because I am unworthy to ask anything of God that he wants to listen to me and lend me a hand. It goes back to that whole trust thing that I struggle with so much. But I am learning. Slowly but surely.
And I am sharing this with my daughter, too. We have been working on prayer together in the mornings, as I take her to school. We take turns praying for each other and for whatever else is on our minds. This week, she had a presentation to make in one of her classes, and she was very nervous. She has panic attacks, and she was afraid that she would get one during her presentation. She has a new teacher and doesn't know most of the other students yet, so we prayed that God would help her through it. She said, "I wish I could use an overhead, like we did last year. It is easier to do in the dark."
After school, I asked her how it went. "It was amazing! The power went out in our classroom right before my presentation, so I actually did do it in the dark!" The outage was random and affected various areas around the school, but there was no reason for what happened. How is that for an answered prayer!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Answered Prayer
Even though it shouldn't, God's way of answering my prayers never ceases to amaze me! The two patients that I prayed about and fretted over had amazing things happen yesterday!
As soon as I got to work, the one patient that was on the morphine was up in her wheelchair, wanting to eat breakfast in the dining room! She was pain-free all day! Our staff and her family were all equally amazed at her significant improvement in just one day!
And the other patient? She continued to get weaker and more confused. Her daughter sent me faxes and called me, trying to figure out what was going on with her. The amazing thing is that the lab had drawn what was supposed to be a blood count, to check for bleeding and infection. What they ran, however, was a metabolic panel, which showed a major imbalance. That explained everything! So, I am certain that this "lab screw-up" was actually God saying, "Duh, you guys. Look at this!"
Again, I learned that all of my fretting and whining was for nothing. God was telling me all along that I just needed to trust him! Maybe someday I will learn?
As soon as I got to work, the one patient that was on the morphine was up in her wheelchair, wanting to eat breakfast in the dining room! She was pain-free all day! Our staff and her family were all equally amazed at her significant improvement in just one day!
And the other patient? She continued to get weaker and more confused. Her daughter sent me faxes and called me, trying to figure out what was going on with her. The amazing thing is that the lab had drawn what was supposed to be a blood count, to check for bleeding and infection. What they ran, however, was a metabolic panel, which showed a major imbalance. That explained everything! So, I am certain that this "lab screw-up" was actually God saying, "Duh, you guys. Look at this!"
Again, I learned that all of my fretting and whining was for nothing. God was telling me all along that I just needed to trust him! Maybe someday I will learn?
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
A Tough Day
Yesterday was one of those days! I have two patients that are not doing well. They both have very involved families, who are attacking problems from the exact opposite sides. One patient is failing at rehab, is losing weight, not eating, and is rapidly declining. The family is doing everything possible to help make their loved-one well, grasping at every possible option, questioning every medication, requesting every possible test, and trying everything in a desperate attempt to bring their family member back to what she once was. It was very difficult yesterday, when I had to discuss tube feedings with this family. There were lots of tears, lots of questions, and at least 6 different phone calls to address the issues the patient is having.
On the other end, I have a patient with heart failure. She went to the hospital last week, and they were unable to do anything more for her. They referred her to hospice, which means that they have determined that she probably has less than 6 months to live. She is a wonderful lady, who is always smiling and always has a joke or a high-five to share with someone else. We all adore her. She is really in no distress, but she is consistently has dizziness and chest pain that we cannot control. Her family is holding a bedside vigil and requesting morphine at least every hour, to "help" their mom. Now, I am not one to withold pain medication, but in my experience, the amount and type of morphine that we are being asked to give is what we would normally give someone with only days to live, when he/she is no longer eating, drinking, or able to get out of bed. This patient is not at this point, so it is difficult for me and my staff to follow through on their requests. At one point, the patient's respirations were very shallow and less than the 12 breaths per minute, at which point we are not legally allowed to give morphine, as it slows breathing. I attempted to explain this to the family, and offered other comfort measures. The family was not pleased, and several interactions did not go well.
By the end of the day, I was praying: "God, make this stop! I hate this. It is too hard for me!" To which God replied, "Of course it is too hard for you, but this is not about you! You are not in this alone. I am with you. Remember: 'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength?" (Phillipians 4:13). So, I changed my tune. "God, please give me the strength I need to help these people, and the energy to endure all these phone calls and conferences....And I still hate it! Maybe you can send someone else." Again, God replied, "But I am sending you. This is so hard, because you care. If you didn't have a heart and compassion for these people, it would not be hard. But I don't want them to be taken care of by someone who has no heart. I want you to do it. I am with you."
So, off I go again. I am still praying that God will give me strength, endurance, and plenty of compassion. I am thankful that I have an amazing team of nurses and CNA's that are giving loving, compassionate care to both of these patients and their families, and I know that God will take care of it all in his time, and in his way. So, I am trusting him today, instead of trying to do it myself.
On the other end, I have a patient with heart failure. She went to the hospital last week, and they were unable to do anything more for her. They referred her to hospice, which means that they have determined that she probably has less than 6 months to live. She is a wonderful lady, who is always smiling and always has a joke or a high-five to share with someone else. We all adore her. She is really in no distress, but she is consistently has dizziness and chest pain that we cannot control. Her family is holding a bedside vigil and requesting morphine at least every hour, to "help" their mom. Now, I am not one to withold pain medication, but in my experience, the amount and type of morphine that we are being asked to give is what we would normally give someone with only days to live, when he/she is no longer eating, drinking, or able to get out of bed. This patient is not at this point, so it is difficult for me and my staff to follow through on their requests. At one point, the patient's respirations were very shallow and less than the 12 breaths per minute, at which point we are not legally allowed to give morphine, as it slows breathing. I attempted to explain this to the family, and offered other comfort measures. The family was not pleased, and several interactions did not go well.
By the end of the day, I was praying: "God, make this stop! I hate this. It is too hard for me!" To which God replied, "Of course it is too hard for you, but this is not about you! You are not in this alone. I am with you. Remember: 'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength?" (Phillipians 4:13). So, I changed my tune. "God, please give me the strength I need to help these people, and the energy to endure all these phone calls and conferences....And I still hate it! Maybe you can send someone else." Again, God replied, "But I am sending you. This is so hard, because you care. If you didn't have a heart and compassion for these people, it would not be hard. But I don't want them to be taken care of by someone who has no heart. I want you to do it. I am with you."
So, off I go again. I am still praying that God will give me strength, endurance, and plenty of compassion. I am thankful that I have an amazing team of nurses and CNA's that are giving loving, compassionate care to both of these patients and their families, and I know that God will take care of it all in his time, and in his way. So, I am trusting him today, instead of trying to do it myself.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Spinning out of control
Two weeks ago, my oldest daughter followed her brother into the Navy. We have always been really close, so this has been hard for me. I have always imagined that she would grow up and go off to college, and that maybe she would buy a house close to home. No matter what, I always thought that I would get to call her every day and visit her whenever I wanted. But that is not to be. Now it is only by mail and an occasional phone call that we can stay connected. I know it will get better when she graduates from boot camp and schooling and settles down a little, but it won't be anything like what I had expected.
In addition, my boss has been on vacation for two weeks at work. She left me in charge of the one thing that I hate most: incident reports. I have to follow up on every fall, every bruise, every little thing that happens, and make sure that we have everything in place to prevent it from happening again (like that is possible!). I don't even have time to do all of my work on a normal day, and this is a lot of extra work, and added stress, for me. We also admitted a patient two weeks ago with some really serious health problems and a family that calls me 4 times a day wanting minute-by-minute updates on her condition. Yikes!
You would think that would be enough, but I am also trying to complete my second book, which I could probably finish in about a week if I had time off, but at this rate it will take me a couple of months. And I have another publishing project that I am trying to get off the ground as well. And then I have lessons to prepare for my class at church. I also have normal day-to-day stuff like chores, cooking dinner, and spending time with my family. I fell like a juggler with too many balls in the air. I hope I don't drop any!
So, one would think that with all of this on my plate, I would at least go to bed early and get plenty of sleep, but that would make too much sense! Instead, I got up Tuesday morning at 1:30 am and stayed awake to watch the lunar eclipse! I am such a nerd! But it was worth it. I love watching the extreme parts of nature. Like climbing to the top of an active volcano, and looking down into the steaming crater. And meteor showers...I love meteor showers.
The great thing about these events is that it reminds me of how amazing and powerful our God is! To think that He is able to keep the moon from escaping the earth's gravitational pull and hurling out into space at a trillion miles a second! And He still remains personally involved in the lives of every single person, and I believe every other creature, on earth (and who knows how many other planets, too). I am convinced that if He can keep all of the planets and stars and other objects all in their orbits, He can keep my life from spinning out of control as well. So, no matter how many balls I am juggling, I can rest assured that He is in control, and I can trust Him no matter what happens.
In addition, my boss has been on vacation for two weeks at work. She left me in charge of the one thing that I hate most: incident reports. I have to follow up on every fall, every bruise, every little thing that happens, and make sure that we have everything in place to prevent it from happening again (like that is possible!). I don't even have time to do all of my work on a normal day, and this is a lot of extra work, and added stress, for me. We also admitted a patient two weeks ago with some really serious health problems and a family that calls me 4 times a day wanting minute-by-minute updates on her condition. Yikes!
You would think that would be enough, but I am also trying to complete my second book, which I could probably finish in about a week if I had time off, but at this rate it will take me a couple of months. And I have another publishing project that I am trying to get off the ground as well. And then I have lessons to prepare for my class at church. I also have normal day-to-day stuff like chores, cooking dinner, and spending time with my family. I fell like a juggler with too many balls in the air. I hope I don't drop any!
So, one would think that with all of this on my plate, I would at least go to bed early and get plenty of sleep, but that would make too much sense! Instead, I got up Tuesday morning at 1:30 am and stayed awake to watch the lunar eclipse! I am such a nerd! But it was worth it. I love watching the extreme parts of nature. Like climbing to the top of an active volcano, and looking down into the steaming crater. And meteor showers...I love meteor showers.
The great thing about these events is that it reminds me of how amazing and powerful our God is! To think that He is able to keep the moon from escaping the earth's gravitational pull and hurling out into space at a trillion miles a second! And He still remains personally involved in the lives of every single person, and I believe every other creature, on earth (and who knows how many other planets, too). I am convinced that if He can keep all of the planets and stars and other objects all in their orbits, He can keep my life from spinning out of control as well. So, no matter how many balls I am juggling, I can rest assured that He is in control, and I can trust Him no matter what happens.
Friday, August 10, 2007
In the End
I just lost a patient yesterday. This was the second one in two weeks. The facility where I work mostly does rehab, so it has been months since someone died on my unit. The man who died last week had only been there less than a week, and it was expected, but my patient that died yesterday had been with us for almost 4 years, so it was difficult for all of us.
This guy was a real joy to have around. He was very smart and had a great sense of humor. He had had a series of strokes and was unable to walk, so he was in a wheelchair. Whenever someone would push him around a corner, he would yell out, "BEEP BEEP" in his loudest, most authoratative voice, to avoid a potential collision. He kept us all smiling.
His wife, on the other hand, was a bit scary. She had complaints all the time. It seemed that she would not be satisfied unless we could add about a thousand square feet to his room and provide a personal one-on-one assistant. Sometimes, (though infrequently) when I would see her coming, I would sneak out the back door or go down another hallway to avoid her. I know that sounds awful, but it is true.
However, I didn't hide from her because she was a bad person. She was a truly devoted wife, and I know her husband was blessed to have had her for more than 50 years. I hid from her because I felt so inadequate to do anything. I always do the best I can, but in an institutional setting, I can only do so much.
So, yesterday was hard. But it was very good. My patient was awake and talking, wanting to get up for breakfast at 7:00 am. By 10:00 am, he was gone. We had enough time to call the priest, and his family was with him when he finally passed. He did not suffer. And, when his wife melted into my arms when it was over, I knew it was all worth it.
This guy was a real joy to have around. He was very smart and had a great sense of humor. He had had a series of strokes and was unable to walk, so he was in a wheelchair. Whenever someone would push him around a corner, he would yell out, "BEEP BEEP" in his loudest, most authoratative voice, to avoid a potential collision. He kept us all smiling.
His wife, on the other hand, was a bit scary. She had complaints all the time. It seemed that she would not be satisfied unless we could add about a thousand square feet to his room and provide a personal one-on-one assistant. Sometimes, (though infrequently) when I would see her coming, I would sneak out the back door or go down another hallway to avoid her. I know that sounds awful, but it is true.
However, I didn't hide from her because she was a bad person. She was a truly devoted wife, and I know her husband was blessed to have had her for more than 50 years. I hid from her because I felt so inadequate to do anything. I always do the best I can, but in an institutional setting, I can only do so much.
So, yesterday was hard. But it was very good. My patient was awake and talking, wanting to get up for breakfast at 7:00 am. By 10:00 am, he was gone. We had enough time to call the priest, and his family was with him when he finally passed. He did not suffer. And, when his wife melted into my arms when it was over, I knew it was all worth it.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Sweet Perfume
In our church, we are studying the book of Ephesians. As the pastor was talking, my mind, and my eyes, began to wander, and I came across these verses, from the New Living Translation: “Live a life filled with love for others, following the example of Christ, who loved you and gave himself as a sacrifice to take away your sins. And God was pleased, because that sacrifice was like sweet perfume to him.” (Italics mine).
That really made my mind spin! I thought of Hebrews 12:2: “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
I always think of the sacrifice that Jesus made with sadness. I think of the pain and the ridicule that He endured. I imagine what I would have done in the same situation, and I cannot help but be very glad that the whole thing didn’t depend on me; I would have thrown in the towel early on. And he could have, too. But to think that the cross brought God joy, like sweet perfume? This was a fresh, new idea for me.
Of course, I know that our salvation brings God joy, “…there is joy in the presence of God’s angels when even one sinner repents.” (Luke 15:10, NLT). But I always think that that comes later. It is hard to imagine that God was pleased with the sacrifice of Jesus at the time. As a parent, it would break my heart to see my child suffer and die, even for a good cause. But God knows the end from the beginning and was able to see the amazing results of Jesus’ sacrifice through the pain and could rejoice even during such a time.
So, when I go through trials, maybe I should keep this in mind. God is working to bring good things into my life, and perhaps to others through me. So, when I am struggling, if I could keep the perspective that my trial will be short (even a lifetime is short when measured against eternity), and that in the end, it will all be very good. I need to focus on the joy that is before me, as Jesus did.
That really made my mind spin! I thought of Hebrews 12:2: “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
I always think of the sacrifice that Jesus made with sadness. I think of the pain and the ridicule that He endured. I imagine what I would have done in the same situation, and I cannot help but be very glad that the whole thing didn’t depend on me; I would have thrown in the towel early on. And he could have, too. But to think that the cross brought God joy, like sweet perfume? This was a fresh, new idea for me.
Of course, I know that our salvation brings God joy, “…there is joy in the presence of God’s angels when even one sinner repents.” (Luke 15:10, NLT). But I always think that that comes later. It is hard to imagine that God was pleased with the sacrifice of Jesus at the time. As a parent, it would break my heart to see my child suffer and die, even for a good cause. But God knows the end from the beginning and was able to see the amazing results of Jesus’ sacrifice through the pain and could rejoice even during such a time.
So, when I go through trials, maybe I should keep this in mind. God is working to bring good things into my life, and perhaps to others through me. So, when I am struggling, if I could keep the perspective that my trial will be short (even a lifetime is short when measured against eternity), and that in the end, it will all be very good. I need to focus on the joy that is before me, as Jesus did.
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