Two weeks ago, my oldest daughter followed her brother into the Navy. We have always been really close, so this has been hard for me. I have always imagined that she would grow up and go off to college, and that maybe she would buy a house close to home. No matter what, I always thought that I would get to call her every day and visit her whenever I wanted. But that is not to be. Now it is only by mail and an occasional phone call that we can stay connected. I know it will get better when she graduates from boot camp and schooling and settles down a little, but it won't be anything like what I had expected.
In addition, my boss has been on vacation for two weeks at work. She left me in charge of the one thing that I hate most: incident reports. I have to follow up on every fall, every bruise, every little thing that happens, and make sure that we have everything in place to prevent it from happening again (like that is possible!). I don't even have time to do all of my work on a normal day, and this is a lot of extra work, and added stress, for me. We also admitted a patient two weeks ago with some really serious health problems and a family that calls me 4 times a day wanting minute-by-minute updates on her condition. Yikes!
You would think that would be enough, but I am also trying to complete my second book, which I could probably finish in about a week if I had time off, but at this rate it will take me a couple of months. And I have another publishing project that I am trying to get off the ground as well. And then I have lessons to prepare for my class at church. I also have normal day-to-day stuff like chores, cooking dinner, and spending time with my family. I fell like a juggler with too many balls in the air. I hope I don't drop any!
So, one would think that with all of this on my plate, I would at least go to bed early and get plenty of sleep, but that would make too much sense! Instead, I got up Tuesday morning at 1:30 am and stayed awake to watch the lunar eclipse! I am such a nerd! But it was worth it. I love watching the extreme parts of nature. Like climbing to the top of an active volcano, and looking down into the steaming crater. And meteor showers...I love meteor showers.
The great thing about these events is that it reminds me of how amazing and powerful our God is! To think that He is able to keep the moon from escaping the earth's gravitational pull and hurling out into space at a trillion miles a second! And He still remains personally involved in the lives of every single person, and I believe every other creature, on earth (and who knows how many other planets, too). I am convinced that if He can keep all of the planets and stars and other objects all in their orbits, He can keep my life from spinning out of control as well. So, no matter how many balls I am juggling, I can rest assured that He is in control, and I can trust Him no matter what happens.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
In the End
I just lost a patient yesterday. This was the second one in two weeks. The facility where I work mostly does rehab, so it has been months since someone died on my unit. The man who died last week had only been there less than a week, and it was expected, but my patient that died yesterday had been with us for almost 4 years, so it was difficult for all of us.
This guy was a real joy to have around. He was very smart and had a great sense of humor. He had had a series of strokes and was unable to walk, so he was in a wheelchair. Whenever someone would push him around a corner, he would yell out, "BEEP BEEP" in his loudest, most authoratative voice, to avoid a potential collision. He kept us all smiling.
His wife, on the other hand, was a bit scary. She had complaints all the time. It seemed that she would not be satisfied unless we could add about a thousand square feet to his room and provide a personal one-on-one assistant. Sometimes, (though infrequently) when I would see her coming, I would sneak out the back door or go down another hallway to avoid her. I know that sounds awful, but it is true.
However, I didn't hide from her because she was a bad person. She was a truly devoted wife, and I know her husband was blessed to have had her for more than 50 years. I hid from her because I felt so inadequate to do anything. I always do the best I can, but in an institutional setting, I can only do so much.
So, yesterday was hard. But it was very good. My patient was awake and talking, wanting to get up for breakfast at 7:00 am. By 10:00 am, he was gone. We had enough time to call the priest, and his family was with him when he finally passed. He did not suffer. And, when his wife melted into my arms when it was over, I knew it was all worth it.
This guy was a real joy to have around. He was very smart and had a great sense of humor. He had had a series of strokes and was unable to walk, so he was in a wheelchair. Whenever someone would push him around a corner, he would yell out, "BEEP BEEP" in his loudest, most authoratative voice, to avoid a potential collision. He kept us all smiling.
His wife, on the other hand, was a bit scary. She had complaints all the time. It seemed that she would not be satisfied unless we could add about a thousand square feet to his room and provide a personal one-on-one assistant. Sometimes, (though infrequently) when I would see her coming, I would sneak out the back door or go down another hallway to avoid her. I know that sounds awful, but it is true.
However, I didn't hide from her because she was a bad person. She was a truly devoted wife, and I know her husband was blessed to have had her for more than 50 years. I hid from her because I felt so inadequate to do anything. I always do the best I can, but in an institutional setting, I can only do so much.
So, yesterday was hard. But it was very good. My patient was awake and talking, wanting to get up for breakfast at 7:00 am. By 10:00 am, he was gone. We had enough time to call the priest, and his family was with him when he finally passed. He did not suffer. And, when his wife melted into my arms when it was over, I knew it was all worth it.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Sweet Perfume
In our church, we are studying the book of Ephesians. As the pastor was talking, my mind, and my eyes, began to wander, and I came across these verses, from the New Living Translation: “Live a life filled with love for others, following the example of Christ, who loved you and gave himself as a sacrifice to take away your sins. And God was pleased, because that sacrifice was like sweet perfume to him.” (Italics mine).
That really made my mind spin! I thought of Hebrews 12:2: “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
I always think of the sacrifice that Jesus made with sadness. I think of the pain and the ridicule that He endured. I imagine what I would have done in the same situation, and I cannot help but be very glad that the whole thing didn’t depend on me; I would have thrown in the towel early on. And he could have, too. But to think that the cross brought God joy, like sweet perfume? This was a fresh, new idea for me.
Of course, I know that our salvation brings God joy, “…there is joy in the presence of God’s angels when even one sinner repents.” (Luke 15:10, NLT). But I always think that that comes later. It is hard to imagine that God was pleased with the sacrifice of Jesus at the time. As a parent, it would break my heart to see my child suffer and die, even for a good cause. But God knows the end from the beginning and was able to see the amazing results of Jesus’ sacrifice through the pain and could rejoice even during such a time.
So, when I go through trials, maybe I should keep this in mind. God is working to bring good things into my life, and perhaps to others through me. So, when I am struggling, if I could keep the perspective that my trial will be short (even a lifetime is short when measured against eternity), and that in the end, it will all be very good. I need to focus on the joy that is before me, as Jesus did.
That really made my mind spin! I thought of Hebrews 12:2: “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
I always think of the sacrifice that Jesus made with sadness. I think of the pain and the ridicule that He endured. I imagine what I would have done in the same situation, and I cannot help but be very glad that the whole thing didn’t depend on me; I would have thrown in the towel early on. And he could have, too. But to think that the cross brought God joy, like sweet perfume? This was a fresh, new idea for me.
Of course, I know that our salvation brings God joy, “…there is joy in the presence of God’s angels when even one sinner repents.” (Luke 15:10, NLT). But I always think that that comes later. It is hard to imagine that God was pleased with the sacrifice of Jesus at the time. As a parent, it would break my heart to see my child suffer and die, even for a good cause. But God knows the end from the beginning and was able to see the amazing results of Jesus’ sacrifice through the pain and could rejoice even during such a time.
So, when I go through trials, maybe I should keep this in mind. God is working to bring good things into my life, and perhaps to others through me. So, when I am struggling, if I could keep the perspective that my trial will be short (even a lifetime is short when measured against eternity), and that in the end, it will all be very good. I need to focus on the joy that is before me, as Jesus did.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Preparations
I was a little rushed for my devotions this morning, so I decided just to open my Bible and start reading wherever I happened to be. Now, I am usually much more structured in my devotions and study, so this was not normal for me.
I read only four verses, but they hit me in a way I have never imagined before. John 14:1-4 says, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me, that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” (NIV).
I guess I have been working with children for too long, because I have always imagined that Jesus was up in heaven, working on some celestial building project. After all, he was a carpenter’s son! But if he spoke the world and everything in it into existence (see Genesis chapter one and Psalm 33:6), why would he take 2,000 years to “prepare a place” for us? There must be something else going on.
I thought about this all day. What is Jesus doing up there, to prepare for us? I think there may be several things. First of all, I think he is directing events and guiding the Holy Spirit to influence each of us, individually, in our growth and our relationship with God, so that we will be ready.
Second, Hebrews tells us that he is acting as a priest in our behalf, “…but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him because he always lives to intercede for them.” (Hebrews 7:24, 25, NIV). He hears our prayers and offers us forgiveness and cleansing, and he covers us with his righteousness, so that we will have a place in heaven.
Finally, and most importantly, he is completing his plan to restore order to the universe. “Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool, because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy,” (Hebrews 10:13, 14, NIV).
So, when I see that Jesus is “preparing a place,” I find that he is not building and planting, cooking and cleaning, as we do to prepare for guests. He is working out the plan of preparing our hearts for eternity with him, preparing all of heaven and the angels to accept us under his righteousness, and he is preparing his final plans to destroy sin forever and bring everlasting peace and joy to the universe. What a preparation!
I read only four verses, but they hit me in a way I have never imagined before. John 14:1-4 says, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me, that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” (NIV).
I guess I have been working with children for too long, because I have always imagined that Jesus was up in heaven, working on some celestial building project. After all, he was a carpenter’s son! But if he spoke the world and everything in it into existence (see Genesis chapter one and Psalm 33:6), why would he take 2,000 years to “prepare a place” for us? There must be something else going on.
I thought about this all day. What is Jesus doing up there, to prepare for us? I think there may be several things. First of all, I think he is directing events and guiding the Holy Spirit to influence each of us, individually, in our growth and our relationship with God, so that we will be ready.
Second, Hebrews tells us that he is acting as a priest in our behalf, “…but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him because he always lives to intercede for them.” (Hebrews 7:24, 25, NIV). He hears our prayers and offers us forgiveness and cleansing, and he covers us with his righteousness, so that we will have a place in heaven.
Finally, and most importantly, he is completing his plan to restore order to the universe. “Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool, because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy,” (Hebrews 10:13, 14, NIV).
So, when I see that Jesus is “preparing a place,” I find that he is not building and planting, cooking and cleaning, as we do to prepare for guests. He is working out the plan of preparing our hearts for eternity with him, preparing all of heaven and the angels to accept us under his righteousness, and he is preparing his final plans to destroy sin forever and bring everlasting peace and joy to the universe. What a preparation!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Lessons on Prayer
God has recently used an experience in my life to show me that it is time to grow again. Like most people, I would rather settle down into a quiet, mundane, non-eventful life than to go through what it takes to grow and learn. But, whenever things seem to calm down in my life, something always happens to shake things up. I don’t think God wants me to get comfortable with status quo, because He has so much to teach me, and I really have precious little time to learn.
My recent shake - up has been in the area of prayer. I am pretty faithful with the amount of time I spend in prayer, and like everything else in my life, I have a certain formula that I tend to use when I pray. I always start with thanking God for this and that, and then I ask for God’s help with whatever needs I have or see for someone else. As a type-A personality, I am generally task-focused, and that is true about my prayer life as well.
I had been praying for a very good friend of mine, who was expecting her second child. She was having a difficult pregnancy and was struggling with depression. She needed the kind of peace that only God could give. I asked God to bless her in a special way, to make her aware of His presence in her life and to show her that she mattered to Him. Mid-way through the pregnancy, she found out that her baby had a deformity. It was devastating. I prayed now not only for her own strength and healing, but for her baby. She wanted the baby to be well, but she was preparing for what it would take to raise a baby with special needs. And she was trying hard to trust God to make everything okay.
I know I prayed more earnestly and diligently for her than I have ever prayed in my life. I asked for God’s healing, for a demonstration of His power and of His love. But, God said, “No,” to my prayers. At seven months, my friend went into early labor, and she lost the baby. How do you make sense out of something like that? I was so confused. I felt betrayed. I guess I felt like most spoiled children do when Daddy says, “No.” I started asking, “Why?” “Why did you let this happen?” “Why didn’t you DO something?” Finally, I asked what was truly underneath it all: “Why do you ask us to pray, when we really have no control over the outcome, anyway?” (Notice the word control…I always get upset when I realize that I am not the one in control!)
Now, I know that God doesn’t mind when we ask Him questions. In fact, He encourages it, as long as we are asking out of an honest desire to understand Him. However, I don’t think He likes to answer our questions until we take the first step, which is to exercise our faith and trust Him. We need to believe that He knows what He is doing, even if we don’t understand. After we trust Him and follow Him in faith, He will lead us to understand. This has led me to search for answers, though I wasn’t really sure I was ready for them. I started reading books on prayer, studying scriptures, and yes, praying about prayer. And, slowly, God is opening my eyes, and my ears.
Here is what he is showing me so far:
Prayer is not one more thing for me to check off on my “to do” list. It is a time for me to be present with God. I mean really present. I tell myself that I am aware of God being with me all the time, and I often talk to him throughout the day, thanking Him for the great things that happen, seeking advice with my choices, etc. But what about the times when I am really not paying attention to Him? What about when I am at work, and my boss gives me the 300th project that must be completed before I can leave for the day. Do I really know that God is with me at that time? Or, when I am driving home, and I am stopped in traffic, and every light turns red, and I am frustrated, and I don’t think I’ll ever get home. Do I know God is there? And when I am praying, am I really in the presence of the Awesome God of the Universe? Am I really there? Phillip Yancey says, in his book, “Prayer: Does it Make a Difference?”: “Prayer that is based on relationship and not transaction may be the most freedom-enhancing way of connecting to a God whose vantage point we can never achieve and can hardly imagine.” (Page 55).
I guess I was missing something all along. Prayer is so much more than a quick comment or question thrown up to God, as I go about the rest of my day. It is more than communication. It is my connection to the Creator of the Universe. And, in spite of His power, His position, and His wisdom, He actually wants me to talk to Him, He wants to teach me things, and he wants me to know Him, intimately. The question I should be asking isn’t “Where is God in all of this,” but “Am I open to being in the presence of God, actively listening and seeking His will, seeking to know Him better?”
My recent shake - up has been in the area of prayer. I am pretty faithful with the amount of time I spend in prayer, and like everything else in my life, I have a certain formula that I tend to use when I pray. I always start with thanking God for this and that, and then I ask for God’s help with whatever needs I have or see for someone else. As a type-A personality, I am generally task-focused, and that is true about my prayer life as well.
I had been praying for a very good friend of mine, who was expecting her second child. She was having a difficult pregnancy and was struggling with depression. She needed the kind of peace that only God could give. I asked God to bless her in a special way, to make her aware of His presence in her life and to show her that she mattered to Him. Mid-way through the pregnancy, she found out that her baby had a deformity. It was devastating. I prayed now not only for her own strength and healing, but for her baby. She wanted the baby to be well, but she was preparing for what it would take to raise a baby with special needs. And she was trying hard to trust God to make everything okay.
I know I prayed more earnestly and diligently for her than I have ever prayed in my life. I asked for God’s healing, for a demonstration of His power and of His love. But, God said, “No,” to my prayers. At seven months, my friend went into early labor, and she lost the baby. How do you make sense out of something like that? I was so confused. I felt betrayed. I guess I felt like most spoiled children do when Daddy says, “No.” I started asking, “Why?” “Why did you let this happen?” “Why didn’t you DO something?” Finally, I asked what was truly underneath it all: “Why do you ask us to pray, when we really have no control over the outcome, anyway?” (Notice the word control…I always get upset when I realize that I am not the one in control!)
Now, I know that God doesn’t mind when we ask Him questions. In fact, He encourages it, as long as we are asking out of an honest desire to understand Him. However, I don’t think He likes to answer our questions until we take the first step, which is to exercise our faith and trust Him. We need to believe that He knows what He is doing, even if we don’t understand. After we trust Him and follow Him in faith, He will lead us to understand. This has led me to search for answers, though I wasn’t really sure I was ready for them. I started reading books on prayer, studying scriptures, and yes, praying about prayer. And, slowly, God is opening my eyes, and my ears.
Here is what he is showing me so far:
Prayer is not one more thing for me to check off on my “to do” list. It is a time for me to be present with God. I mean really present. I tell myself that I am aware of God being with me all the time, and I often talk to him throughout the day, thanking Him for the great things that happen, seeking advice with my choices, etc. But what about the times when I am really not paying attention to Him? What about when I am at work, and my boss gives me the 300th project that must be completed before I can leave for the day. Do I really know that God is with me at that time? Or, when I am driving home, and I am stopped in traffic, and every light turns red, and I am frustrated, and I don’t think I’ll ever get home. Do I know God is there? And when I am praying, am I really in the presence of the Awesome God of the Universe? Am I really there? Phillip Yancey says, in his book, “Prayer: Does it Make a Difference?”: “Prayer that is based on relationship and not transaction may be the most freedom-enhancing way of connecting to a God whose vantage point we can never achieve and can hardly imagine.” (Page 55).
I guess I was missing something all along. Prayer is so much more than a quick comment or question thrown up to God, as I go about the rest of my day. It is more than communication. It is my connection to the Creator of the Universe. And, in spite of His power, His position, and His wisdom, He actually wants me to talk to Him, He wants to teach me things, and he wants me to know Him, intimately. The question I should be asking isn’t “Where is God in all of this,” but “Am I open to being in the presence of God, actively listening and seeking His will, seeking to know Him better?”
Monday, July 23, 2007
Reflection
Well, after a 3 month hiatus, I have decided to try my hand at blogging again. So much has been happening that I haven't had much time to write. No journaling, no e-mailing, no poems, nothing. Truthfully, the whole thing has a lot less to do with a lack of time than with a lack of motivation. I usually write about spiritual things, about how God is leading me in my life.
Well, God is still leading me, but lately, I have been going through one of those quiet, reflective times, where I don't feel motivated to do anything, but am listening, learning, and absorbing. I feel a lot of growth happening, but that is also unsettling.
I think the whole thing started with a question about 2 months ago. I am searching for an answer from God, and it is coming slowly. But it kind of put everything else to a standstill. Until I get my question answered, it is really hard to move forward. I know that the Holy Spirit is the one that has directed me to ask the question of God, so that I can know the answer, but in the meantime, growth is hard. I sometimes think of how much easier it would be to just continue on, status quo, without having to change my thoughts, my life patterns, my attitudes. But then I would miss out on the great things I will be able to see, to know, to do when God brings me to the place where I am ready.
So for now, I am thankful that He is patient with me, and bringing me through this process at a pace I can handle. And I am listening.
Well, God is still leading me, but lately, I have been going through one of those quiet, reflective times, where I don't feel motivated to do anything, but am listening, learning, and absorbing. I feel a lot of growth happening, but that is also unsettling.
I think the whole thing started with a question about 2 months ago. I am searching for an answer from God, and it is coming slowly. But it kind of put everything else to a standstill. Until I get my question answered, it is really hard to move forward. I know that the Holy Spirit is the one that has directed me to ask the question of God, so that I can know the answer, but in the meantime, growth is hard. I sometimes think of how much easier it would be to just continue on, status quo, without having to change my thoughts, my life patterns, my attitudes. But then I would miss out on the great things I will be able to see, to know, to do when God brings me to the place where I am ready.
So for now, I am thankful that He is patient with me, and bringing me through this process at a pace I can handle. And I am listening.
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